Starting

It’s only week 4 and I feel stuck and a bit rubbish. I began with the best intentions but am already doubting myself. What have I started ? What am I writing about ? Why am I writing publicly ? Why am I writing at all ? I must allow these questions . After all this is a Quest ! Nothing pre populated about this blog. The outcome is unknown. I think about aspects of starting in other areas of my life. I think about work. One is always a little apprehensive before meeting a new patient or family. You never know what they will be like or how the consultation will go. Sometimes you feel unusually nervous like all your knowledge is beyond grasp and your experience counts for nothing. At those times I would steady myself, put myself in the service users shoes and go back to basics. If someone or something is making me feel more self conscious I try and quickly explore that before getting back to the task in hand. I think about stuck times with patients who have been in treatment for many months sometimes longer. They are on round 3, 4 or 5 of treatment approach and staff are starting to be split. These patients often present dilemmas. They challenge because they are not recovering as expected ,as hoped for . You carry their hope and the hope of their families. You remain tuned in to what the other team members are sensing. You make your own observations and seek wider opinions. There is always a way forward. When stuck ness becomes intransigent you take it and roll it over in your mind. Visiting it little and often . At times lightly. Sometimes in more depth. Battling with it even . Always allowing it to hang somewhere in the mind . Just as with a seedling placed in the soil , and you trust natural processes to allow development , so you give your mind permission to do its job with the intent you have placed within it. Until there is a glimmer of light. Shining on a hitherto neglected and unexplored potential area of enquiry . Another place to visit. And to invite others along.

With running I have always had a rough idea of what was required to produce what sort of outcomes. How much time and effort put in being a major determinant of success. I spent years learning to train ,being coached and then self coached . I learnt how to listen to my body ,manage my mind, my diet and lifestyle and make clear training choices based on what physiological systems I wanted to strengthen , what weaknesses I wanted to address. .There was still plenty of self questioning but I roughy, knew what I was doing. There were hiccups and breakdowns ,but with time, visits to those places became less catastrophic and even constructive.

I think about my blog quest . Self love before sixty . I don’t know if I will find self love and finish well before sixty , reject and abandon ship , or muddle through and find something that might or might not approximate self love before or after sixty . I think about writing. How new it feels. I think about when a jogger becomes a runner and wonder - when does someone who writes become a writer ? I remember that I am both a runner and a jogger. Both are available. When I started my Blog four weeks ago I produced a lot of questions which tended to take the form of negotiations.If love was unattainable, could ‘like’ be enough, or might ‘acceptance ‘ do? I realise I was trying to call off the search before it had begun. Because I couldn’t face it, didn’t know what I was looking for and doubted my ability to move forwards with it. Self doubt was already in the back seat. But ‘not knowing ‘ is normal on a new journey. Being comfortable with not knowing is useful. What makes this venture different for me is that my destination is not preset, I may not immediately know when I have got there and I am using an unknown form of transport called writing