How can you love someone you don’t know ,maybe have never met or even allowed to be seen? Because of the the risk of loosening tightly wrapped protective coverings that have long forgotten what they are supposed to be containing.
The writer in me is the friend who knows me best , the silent witness of my life. That friend knows it is now time to write. The following was written after a guided visualisation which takes you on a walk into a wood . After a long hike you come across a hut. You push the door which slowly opens and there is a figure inside. Enjoy. For a moment I was not sure if this figure , who looked strangely familiar , was even there or could just be a shadow . They had an ethereal quality about them and it was not altogether comfortable to be in their presence. At first there was silence . Then I said , for no obvious reason, ‘ I’ve been on a long journey ‘ ‘I know ‘ they replied. I wanted to exchange more words but it felt terribly hard. Eventually I ask, somewhat lamely ,Are you real ? ‘Yes , for you , I am real ‘ answered the figure. ‘You know me ? ‘ ‘Yes ,I ve always known you ‘ ‘How can you know me ? No one knows me .I am not one person. I show different parts of myself to different people. ‘ I was chilled by the response that came . The figure who was turning said , ‘I am all of yourselves , all of your dreams and yet , the last thing on your list, the thing you thought was basically never going to happen . Do not be afraid . I am here to help you . Listen to me. Stop running around looking for answers in the wrong places. You tire people with your expectations Don’t fret because other people seem to have their lives mapped out Their maps are nothing to do with you Since you were a child You have dreamt of houses with many rooms. Exhilarating but overwhelming dreams. Allow others to help you decorate and fill your many rooms. You know there is a room for remembering things you thought you had forgotten. Don’t be frightened of that room. Don’t just go through the motions of your life. Don’t blame or judge others for their lack of understanding . How can others know you if you don’t know yourself ? Know yourself. Believe in yourself . Be more trusting of others. You know you have neglected certain things You have dreamt many times of children you were supposed to be looking after but horrifyingly you had forgotten about. How many times you have tried to get somewhere but been frustrated or thwarted in some way. But my child , you went about things too forcefully. With such ill fated determination. Holding onto such anger and fear. It was never going to work. You dreamt of being unable to get off a train because you were too laden with baggage. You were shocked to discover at the end of line your mother was waiting for you With pencils and paper to write and draw. You settle. Listen to the call of creativity. How long you have felt as if you were performing in life without the script , with inadequate rehearsal time and no direction you with the audience expecting so much from you . Feeling like you have to organise everything for everyone all the time . Feeling overwhelmed , hoping on hope, too tired to be angry. Swimming in shit. Winging it. Knowing it’s not right. And the more discerning members of the audience are leaving because it is rubbish and you are devastated. I am the last thing on your list but I am the only one that matters. I am all of your selves and all of your dreams . I am here to save you . Be yourself . Love your self . Let your saved up wishes come out. Allow your many worries to become fainter as you become bolder. Don’t let your words die with him. Where are your feelings ? Suppression ,,minimisation , all your ridiculous rationalisations may have helped in the past but not right now. Not anymore . Not for any future of the type you may like to have. Don’t die with him. There are many perfect rooms for you to explore , to enjoy. Do you remember enjoyment ? You will leave here soon. Live life like before you learnt you had to live by others rules. You don’t get something for nothing .The hard lessons are hard for a reason . Remember ,do not be afraid You are not alone . I am in you . I ve always been there ‘ ‘Why are you telling me all this now ? ‘ ‘Because you would not have listened before. Because you always thought you knew everything , like you are a big deal . Because you made time to find me today’ ‘How will I find you again ? ‘ I will always be in a place where you least expect me. When you stop making your lists and put down your baggage and as your train slows down I will be there . And there will be more time than you ever knew existed And all the parts of yourself will be together No infighting. No struggle. And you will no longer feel tired because you will be free. As the figure receded from view I was aware I had not been breathing . As I took a deep breath of fresh cold air the word Praise fell from my lips. And I had been shown the way home.