The Girl ( A visualisation )
Pulled down into the sea by a melodic sound that resonates strongly with a story from my life I find I can swim without breathing. I am drawn to a gap in a rock where the leaves of an old book move and fall open with words meant only for me.
‘Let her go. She s caused enough trouble. ‘
A conversation ensues.
-Don’t blame her ! It wasn’t her fault.
‘She s causing trouble now and you can’t see it . You think you breathe freely ? You don’t .She holds you in such all encompassing ,invisible ways .Like fascia she clings to every fibre of your being . She creeps , she creeps. You let this happen. How could you ?
Let her go !’
-How can I survive without her ?
‘Don’t be ridiculous .See how slowly you move forwards sometimes reduced to a shuffle - in circles. One day she will stop you from moving at all . Is that what you want ? You want to move don’t you ? Let her go for crying out loud !’
-Dad used to say that.
‘He wants you to stop . Stop blaming him and your self . Just stop blaming anyone. Let the past go .’
-Don’t trivialise my past. I am my past
‘Yes but you are also your present , and your future. The Girl was around when you cried your eyes out. Your throat choked for the first time. She was the sticking tape you felt you needed. But she just happened to be there. Anyone could have come. She was only supposed to stay for a while. You ve tried to run her out, exhaust her with academic pursuits, drink and drug her into submission. You’ve even tried starving her. All pointless stupid strategies. And in case you get any new ideas, you can’t poison her or wash her away.
You’re not the only one whose been hurt. He did try to help but The Girl would not have it. She had taken hold , integrated herself seamlessly into your life ,your soul.
You knew you still needed him but not his behaviour. The very thing you wanted ,the only thing, the most precious of all things is someone else’s problem. Not yours to solve. You can’t keep solving everyone , saving everyone. You can only save yourself.
Let The Girl go ! Let her grip weaken and dissolve .’
-The Girl was here again today bringing her ‘out of sorts ‘ , ’ill at ease ‘ feeling . That negative dish she serves so well. Her signature dish . Her calling card. The thing is, I don’t know if I mind . I am so used to her now. I can’t imagine life without her. I don’t know if I want her to go.
‘Choke then ! ‘
-I do want her to find peace . If she could somehow leave it could set us both free. She came out of nowhere . So random.
Is that how it will end ? Will she just not be there anymore ? How does it end ? Can you tell me please ?
The thing is , from the moment I heard her , felt her, at 15 , from that moment ,hers was the most important voice I heard . The only voice.
‘She has stayed too long’
-Stop saying that ! It’s not helpful.
‘She limits you in ways you don’t see. You can’t live in the moment with her in the background.’
-I don’t want the moment ! I just want me and The Girl She s not as brittle and demanding as she used to be. I will handle her .
‘Fool that you are, still harbouring childish fears of collapse. She filters everything you think. She only shows you what she wants you to see. She still has the power to impose herself at will with total disregard for anything else including you .’
-It’s complicated . I love her . And yet , in truth , I sometimes wish her dead. But when The Girl dies I feel I will die soon after ,like her Siamese twin. There’s too much of me in her and her in me. We are the same now. We feed together, wish together and act together.
Oh how I wish she could sing her Swan song and just leave. Set us both free. What life can we have together now we are grown ?
Girl ? I love you but I don’t need you. I am sorry . I think I ve known for a while. I couldn’t say anything before. I am so sorry. Thank you for what you have done . I know that feels so inadequate . Thank you for everything but please go. I love you again and again I love you.
Maybe we can keep in touch . That sounds so lame.
Is that you ?
That sound once more. That resonating sound . Echoing in the deep .
The Girl is calling - without words .
I think she wants to be allowed to go now. Oh God.
I suddenly need to breathe. I swim to the surface and gulp the air.